Just like our teeth need brushed, our houses need cleaned, and our clothes need washed, our relationships need regular maintenance too.
Last year I started using the word hygiene to talk about 5 areas of health with my coaching clients - spiritual, energetic, emotional, mental, and physical. I recognized how our physical bodies were getting all the attention when other aspects needed attention to.
I’m adding another aspect to the list: relational.
More specifically, one of the most powerful relational hygiene tools in my toolbox is a dedicated weekly meeting for withholds.
My wife and I on a recent trip to the cloud forests in Monteverde, Costa Rica.
WITHHOLDS
A withhold is anything that has not been expressed, and is preventing someone from feeling connected to another, in this case, their partner.
That moment of disappointment when I went to the pantry excited to make a PB&J only to realize that someone had left just a teaspoon of peanut butter in the jar… withhold.
Bringing the car back with the gas light on. Grrrr… withhold.
Me emptying the dishwasher for the 4th time this week. UGH! … withhold.
That look of shade when I wanted to wear my crocs out to dinner… withhold (and also probably appropriate).
Withholds can be simple frustrations or complex full-on emotional meltdowns hidden from the other person.
These emotional “open loops” take up space in our brains and gnaw at us from the inside.
And while many people erupt in anger or simply swallow these things and let them slide, I find the best way to deal with them is to share them with your partner. Once they’re out, it’s much easier to work through them constructively.
We've found this to be an incredibly helpful way to have a safe space each week. We think about what we need to share so that past interactions don’t build up into resentments (and we have space to honor each other too).
GOALS
In this process, there are goals on both an individual and relationship level:
a DEDICATED TIME to empty resentment out from the past that might get in the way of feeling connected with each other in the present. If it’s inappropriate or uncomfortable to share in the moment, this dedicated time makes sure you have time to share each week so thoughts and emotions don’t fester.
a SAFE SPACE to share emotions and experiences. Often partners don’t share because they’re afraid of the response they’ll get. Sharing withholds in a structured way gives us a safe space to process without fear of immediate retribution or emotional reactions. Safe space often also requires…
practice MAKING IT ABOUT YOU - own your feelings and experience of what happened instead of telling the story or judgements you have about the other person. And if you have stories or judgements swirling around up there…
OWN YOUR STORY AND JUDGEMENTS - Our brains often develop a story about what something means, why it happened, and what’s going to happen in the future. It’s usually made up. Naming and owning makes it easier for the other person to hear you. It also lets them know that you also know that it’s probably made up. Once you say it out loud, you’ll often find that it loses its power.
”I feel frustrated that the dishes were left out and I have a silly story that you think I’m your maid and I’m going to be cleaning up after you forever.” instead of "You left your dishes out again and we just talked about this. Why do you keep doing that?"
THE PROCESS
When you start this process it’s important to have a structure. This should feel more like playing pool than the fast-paced back and forth of tennis. Slow things down, take turns, and don’t let the pace of the conversation accelerate too quickly - that’s when couples get mean and start throwing stories and judgements at each other.
Here’s the structure I learned from EVRYMAN that I like using with groups or couples.
A: <Name> I have a withhold.
B: Would you like to share?
A: I felt XYZ when ABC happened.
B: Thank you for sharing.
A: Thank you for listening.
All of this should be done with emotion that's named but energetically flat. If you’re saying the right thing but you’re weaponizing the way you’re saying it, the process loses its effectiveness.
You can adapt this as you become more adept at communicating, but this is a powerful way to kick things off with a lot of respect for the other person.
OTHER THINGS TO ADD
If you’ve set up a weekly meeting for withholds, you might as well add a few other things while you’re together. Here’s a few items that we’ve found helpful.
SCHEDULING for the week ahead - What events are coming up? When’s your next date night? Are there other items on your scheduled you need to give your partner a heads up on?
LOGISTICS - Groceries, laundry, cleaning, travel planning, etc.
6 NICE THINGS - Share six things you like about the other person. We don’t want it to feel like all business!
DECISION MAKING - Is there a big decision that needs to be made about a move, new job, financial decision, etc. This is a great space to discuss “What do we want to do about…?”
What’s helped you in your relationship? Feel free to question/comment below and I’ll add to this list.
And if you need help in your relationship, feel free to schedule a free call with me.
Cheers,
Andrew
