It’s December 2014. I’m sitting on the grey IKEA couch in my living room watching Black Mirror’s 15 Million Merits episode (s1e2).
People earn points by cycling on stationary bikes all day. Points can then be used to dress and purchase stuff for their digital avatar.
For the human contestants, the cycling is drudgery. Their only joy is the small amount of time when they’re able to connect with other contestants over a meal. Then they return home to small pods that are covered in TV screens.
My chest tightened and my shoulders rolled forwards as my head sank.
I realized this was my life.
If I was awake, there was a screen nearby.
I woke up with my laptop… and went to sleep with my laptop.
My goal was to respond to emails as quickly as possible so they didn’t build up and force me to stay up until 2am, which I did at least once a week. I was balancing my workload as a manager and creator with everyone else’s needs around me.
My life looked like…
Work.
Come home and numb with movies/video games.
Sleep.
Repeat.
Everything was work or recover from the stress of work.
And I didn’t think I had any outs…
Start with where you feel like a victim.
Being a victim is the lowest level of consciousness. It robs you of your power, limits your choices, and ensures that nothing will change unless something outside of you wants it to.
In transformational work we call being a victim, being “at effect” because you can’t cause the change you’re looking for… you just have to put up with the effects of being alive and in your life.
Take a look at your life and find the places where you feel like a victim. Wherever you have a sense that life (someone, something, etc.) is happening “to you”, that’s where we need to start.
Often this sounds like…
“My boss/coworker is… “
“I can’t stand … about my job”
“My partner will never give me…”
“My family just doesn’t work that way…”
There’s a few key areas that are important to look at.
Job
most people spend the majority of their life working. So the work you do, your boss, your co-workers, and your work environment can all become major sources of victimhood. You could even be a victim of a commute or an online job that requires you to sit in front of a computer all day.
Family
I hope you were lucky enough to grow up in a supportive loving family. Families are often a source of victimhood because we assume they won’t change. The way they interact with us or the ways they’ve chosen to live their life can create massive impact on us. Everything from yelling at the dinner table to helping them through rehab or massive debt.
Friends / Community
Do you have friends and a community that support you or do you feel alone? Do you have fair-weather friends or friends that constantly drag you down? Do they want you to do stuff that no longer appeals to you? Do they cause trouble or behave poorly? Likewise does your community feel supportive or do they talk about you behind their back?
Home
What is your actual home like? Is it clean or a mess? Do you share space with people who don’t respect your boundaries? Have you put time and effort into creating a space that you actually like being in? Is this the only place you can afford?
Free Time
My first question is do you have it? When you do have it - what are you doing? Do you do things you love or are you simply recovering or numbing out from the rest of your life? Do you spend it numbing out with video games / movies or do you things that actually nourish you?
Money
What’s your story around money? Do you have enough? Can you spend it the ways you want to?
In each area, make an inventory of your thoughts / beliefs / story about it where things will never change or where things just aren’t possible.
These are important places to start seeing how your limited victim-focused thinking is preventing you from seeing what’s actually possible for you.
In the next post then we’ll look at what tools you have to take radical responsibility for your life and shift from being “at effect” to being “at cause.”
